There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
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[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
HR said no more nunchucks.
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
This pepper has seen some shit
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
The asteroid..
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.