There’s plenty of fish in the sea… For example, Christian:
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Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
You better wish for more oil
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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e
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He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
