There’s plenty of fish in the sea… For example, Christian:
You Might Also Like
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.