There’s plenty of fish in the sea… For example, Christian:
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Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Ron is short for Aaronald
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!