“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
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Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Im on the metro and a guy just went “wow!!!” real loud and i assumed it was about the trump verdict but he’s actually just looking at pictures of pandas
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.