“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
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Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Leave it to Stephen Chow to pull off one of the funniest and dopest fight scenes in history without ever even throwing a single punch or kick. Bruce Lee’s “Art of Fighting Without Fighting” fully realized.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.