there’s probably a fee though
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Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
I visited one of those so-called “wind farms” recently. Virtually no wind being produced. If anything, it was using up the wind that was already there. Complete waste of time.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
tinder is all about the long game
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes
my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am