there’s probably a fee though
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I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
how to exercise your calf muscles
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
I hate when people I know visit my city w/o asking me what to do. What do you mean you’re going to The Coughing Museum?
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.