there’s probably a fee though
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*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?
me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?
i got lost and locked in a stairwell at the NYC office and all i can think about is this meme while i wait for someone to save me
Just once I’d like to be the DJ at an extravagant, subversive Goth masquerade ball and just throw on “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys when they least suspect it
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Can’t. Sorry…
As a recovering nice-aholic I have to abstain from that sort of thing.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.