There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
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Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
I don’t like people staring at me on a good day let alone when I’m naked in the Smithsonian with my mummy bandages removed.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
You sure about that?
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
😭😭😭
I went from rags to one rag.
I was just discussing this with my cat
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.