There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
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People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”
Me: “Are you driving or walking?”
Man: “Driving.”
Me: “That would be the quickest way.”
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
me
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.
Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]