There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
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I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
The “police officer” has been a failed experiment, we must return to “lawman” and it’s a guy who’s also the town dentist and saloon proprietor
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
look bro it’s not gay, i just wanna sleep nestled into your arm because it allows me to angle my head at the perfect 37 degree angle that relieves my nasal congestion
is getting good sleep gay now
is it homosexual to be alert in normal daylight hours
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
