Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”

If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?

My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.

[Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE

Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”

Pat Sajak: “Okay.”

Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”

Pat Sajak: “Okay.”

Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution

Me: what do you mean?

why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean

Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”

And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”

Parenthood has made me so mature.

I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…

the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants

When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715

My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.

them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*

I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.

Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti

A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.

I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero

My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.

I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.

my facial care routine has some really good, expensive products that my dog licks off right after

*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*

ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!

Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti

Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.

would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this

Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.

This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.

at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra

I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”

Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.

Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.

Wife: Absolutely not like that.

My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..

Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody

(gets elected)

Me: I never said that.