There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
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“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
selfie game
He just like my cat fr
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
3 yr old: “At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?”
Me: “no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You’ll continue to grow. Isn’t that cool?!”
3 yr old: starts sobbing.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat