There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
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me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
My favorite condiment is Worcestershire sauce. Why? It’s hard to say.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.