There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
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I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Comparing yourself to others
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Actor: How would you rate my ability to take direction?
Director: Below average.
Actor: *bellows* AVERAGE!!!
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)
Basketball
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
In search of a lawyer who handles the most heinous of crimes. My 4yo woke me up at 5:30 this morning by sneezing in my face and then hopped away like a bunny.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?