There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
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OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
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[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.
My appointment is for a colonoscopy.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this