Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Know how fast you were going?

Me: obviously, I have a speedometer

Cop: I know that

Me: then why did you ask?

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk

I adopted a rock.

He just sits there and does nothing all day.

It still beats raising Kylo.

[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha

Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?

Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good

Genie: alright then [disappears]

Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no

I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.

We all have family for that..

Here’s a fun number: 8

After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.

You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.

Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…

Ancient wolves be like:

Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.

My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful

Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.

if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?

I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective

My wife is playing hard to get.

Rid of.

*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*

My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.

they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way

Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.

Friend: can I borrow £20?

Me: No.

*slides me £20

Friend: How about now?

*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile

My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.

I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.

Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.

My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week

Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.

Witches love that.

Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.

5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.

when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”

unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”

I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.

*me dressed as the grim reaper*

What d’ye mean I’m not your type?