There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
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My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all