There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
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“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
So Hamburger help me, God
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
I think this should do it.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
I wish this was real life…
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Her: “were you thinking about me?”
Me: “of course”
My brain: *I don’t think i’ve ever pronounced “croissant” the same way twice, in my life
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.