There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
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If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
What makes us human?
Selecting all images with traffic lights
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.