There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
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Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
💻🤡
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Ha
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.
Cool shirt 🙂
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping