There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
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me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
we need to bring back easter eggs on DVDs in case the Doctor ever needs to communicate with someone thirty years in the future to warn them about a race of terrifying sentient statues with the power to send people back in time.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Me, “Hi. Good morning. I have the worst toothache. It feels like I’m in labor without an epidural and an 8 lb baby is about to be born where my tooth is.”
Dentist Office, “Sorry to hear that. We have a small window of availability on August 6th, does that work for you?”
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Have we checked all food to see if exploding it makes it into something better or did we just stop with corn?
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
