There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
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I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.
– Me, terrible with first impressions
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
due to financial reasons I will now be performing photosynthesis
beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.