There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
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[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
When you have to use a public restroom.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
I have written yet another poem about laundry
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
english majors be like furthermore
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Halloween is great because it combines two of my favorite hobbies: driving out to a wet farm to handpick the heaviest inedible vegetable I can find, and taking my small disguised children out past their bedtimes to roam the streets in darkness
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
You’re not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition and two prepositions is even worse. I don’t remember what website I got that off of.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
When ur friends with white people
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
this got me crying😭😭
