There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
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*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Choose your fighter
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Places I won’t be going in 2025:
Above and beyond
Out of my way
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
This story is comedy gold 😂
shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD