There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
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Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Meme Monday.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
What is going on? 😅
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
first you must answer his riddles
