There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
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Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Cold.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!