Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.

one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday

Haven’t had a conversation like this in months

Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.

TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS

*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick

German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.

Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.

Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me

My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.

Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating

I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.

I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore

Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.

“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon

Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.

Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.

rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him

Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.

[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want to

guy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.

Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,

You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.

Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.

My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.

What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?

A bookworm!

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes

“Are you going to finish that?”

-takes a tantrum from a toddler

at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations

My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.

I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.

I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL

Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?

Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.

Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )

Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”

To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.