There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
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I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Just found out we’re not supposed to root for the chest burster in Alien??
He is literally A BABY!
I’m sorry I’d rather support an innocent child than a mining conglomerate.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.
Nicole Kidman said WHAT?!
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
‘Twas the day after Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring- because food comas
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.