Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.

If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.

how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google

a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.

Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”

Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”

HR reminds us to proof read before sending

Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-

Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ

Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.

He cooked 2 sausages.

My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”

Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.

They’re millennial falcons.

OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.

Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.

Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE

The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.

If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.

I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.

While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times

Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.

Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason

I am also baked goods

Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.

Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?

Me, licking case: and jam.

I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken

Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”

-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no variety

Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”

-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you

It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.

Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.

Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.

me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team

captain: no you wouldn’t

me: ok

A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.

They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.

Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.

For when you only want to be 35% sure.