There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
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[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.
S O O N
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Oh boy, $150,000!
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.