Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.

Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.

[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku

OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku

ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy

I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.

Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself

Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”

9 circles of hell in this economy?

“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”

Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.

Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.

Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas

All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.

All the ones with all of the above are fictional.

Them: I wish for world peace

Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu

Heard this in a movie…

What do you call a banana eating another banana? Cannibananalism. 😂

Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.

A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉

I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…

Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it

I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.

Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.

Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?

Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?

My husband is working from home and he’s still late.

Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.

“Kids, are you asleep?”

Kids:

*turns off the wifi*

MUUUUUUUUUUM

My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.

Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here

If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.

Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.