There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
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Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
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Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
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Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams