Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard

My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.

If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.

I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.

My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.

Him:You married?

Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?

H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-

M:SO I’M UGLY?

H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry

Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”

The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.

Fun Fact:

If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.

It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.

shampoo implies shampee

Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous

Them: what charity are you raising money for?

Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?

You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*

*dressed a toddler

“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.

wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class

me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me

*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT

“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror

Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.

If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.

I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.

So unfortunately my Mom membership was revoked because they found out I’ve never arranged to have my family’s picture taken in a field of wheat or wildflowers.

My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”

A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.

Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”

I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”

Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”

“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]

My cousin and her husband fell in love despite playing for rival marching bands, and yet she refuses to write a romance novel based on the experience