There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
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My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Autocorrect completely socks
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk