Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?

WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.

I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.

holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV

WIFE: I want a divorce.

ME: Is it because of my small wrists?

WIFE: Yes.

ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.

The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner

I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.

“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”

First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge

Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?

You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.

*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*

We avoided this particular disaster

Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.

Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns

Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.

your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄

under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”

“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression

“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”

Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?

I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?

[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?

I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.

I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.

At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music

I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.

Friend: are you mad?

Me: what no

Friend: you look mad

Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face

Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.

“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.

idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.

I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.