“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
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Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Gods work.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
The First Farmer
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know