Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?

Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.

I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.

Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).

Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day

I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.

DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.

i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.

(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?

Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”

My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.

Me: there there. No need for ugly crying

Him: I’m not crying

Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day

My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.

*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”

Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.

[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT

My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”

Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned

I have two selves:

One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.

5: water poops dirt

me: only bodies poop

5: you said the lake is a body of water

me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own

Why aren’t auto body shops called…

“Fender Bender Menders??.”

And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.

And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender

Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.

Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans

damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding

Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.