“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
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Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
When you don’t understand how floors work
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick