There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust
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The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Catercrombie & Fish
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
If you find yourself in a really awkward conversation do what I do; put your pants back on and leave.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
If you like my tweets, please like them and if you don’t like my tweets, please like them by way of letting me know you don’t like them.
If you’re confused by this tweet, please like it, and if this tweet makes no sense, please like it.
Like, if you agree.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!