There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust
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Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Help
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN