There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight
Throws bra on the floor
I feel much better
You Might Also Like
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Real House Wines.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
VERY excited to choose the food with the caterer for our wedding soon. it’s the ultimate versionnof my favorite game (looking at a restaurant menu and deciding what i’d like to eat)
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.