There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight
Throws bra on the floor
I feel much better
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My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
Me: No.
My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman