There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
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I see no reason these two should not be wed, but I do like to make things about me.
me and the Superbowl rn
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Me, reading some of your tweets
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
sooo many straight people never talk to their exes and sooooo many queer people are like “this is my ex-girlfriend we share custody of our dog Skippy she’s the godmother of my children oh and also we own a bar together”
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)
Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners
Mum: You mean negotiations?
Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans