Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.

I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT

I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.

Paint me like one of your French girls….

With a big fat croissant in my mouth

“Don’t take this the wrong way”

Translation: Prepare for insult.

LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER

Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.

LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry

I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.

*pogo stick inventor* I got you.

Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public

– young children

“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”

-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down

This may be the zombie bite talking, but “BRAINS.”

#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?

Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas

.

Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee

Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?

Silicon valley: no.

*the night I met my spouse*

Me: I don’t usually do this.

*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*

Me: I don’t usually do this.

The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.

I have witnessed someone face reality.

Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?

Him: Just flush him down the toilet

Me: Gotcha. And the fish?

Thinking about having kids?

Buy a plant.

If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.

The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.

I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him

Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.

If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.

Priest: Body of Christ..

Gordon Ramsay: Dry.

Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.

*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!

BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.

A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast