Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[getting a retweet]

“I’VE BEEN PUBLISHED”

Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.

They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.

I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.

4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled

I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!

(There is no school this week)

[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”

suspect: i ain’t talkin

cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

suspect: can i have some

cop: cake is for talkers

Somebody call the cops.

Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.

I am also baked goods

What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??

I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.

Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.

The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners

Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?

I feel that way about far too many people.

wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?

Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died

[Top of the Eiffel Tower]

Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you

Them:

Me: get it? “I fell”

Them: *pushes me off* you fell

Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”

Me: “No thank you.”

Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”

Me: “I’m in.”

EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.

A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.

Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.

When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!

My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.

I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.

🤣🤣🤣

If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.

Follow me for more health advice

Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀

400 fucking grocery carts to choose from and I always pick the Ford Pinto with a flat tire.

One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”

I just want someone to look at me the way my dog does and pee a little