There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
You Might Also Like
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
From my Mom
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
My dream job is getting paid to dream
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.