Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
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ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Yesterday I extinguished a colleague’s cigarette at the office with a water pistol.
Adds firefighter to resume
I’m sorry I asked if you lost a bet when you told me your baby’s name…
Shout out to vegetarians for never having ant problems. All ant scouts find is broccoli crumbs and despair, and who wants to feed on that.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
The most embarrassing part about farting myself awake was that it was the most interesting aspect of my PowerPoint presentation.
Imagine me in bed.
This leaky roof is gonna cost me a fortune to fix!
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.