@envydatropic

There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen

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@MarfSalvador

[Party]

Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody

Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb

@Jake_Vig

ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…

SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.

@TheSchnizzy

Yesterday I extinguished a colleague’s cigarette at the office with a water pistol.

Adds firefighter to resume

@Marlebean

I’m sorry I asked if you lost a bet when you told me your baby’s name…

@Scott_A_Gilmore

Shout out to vegetarians for never having ant problems. All ant scouts find is broccoli crumbs and despair, and who wants to feed on that.

@TheRobCee

Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.

@TheRealNickKay

[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me

@Zaius13

The most embarrassing part about farting myself awake was that it was the most interesting aspect of my PowerPoint presentation.

@marcia_bee

Imagine me in bed.

Wrong.

Wetter.

Wrong again.

Wetter.

Wrong AGAIN!

Soaking wet.

This leaky roof is gonna cost me a fortune to fix!

@HomeProbably

Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.

Now I just hate yours.