Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.

Grocery clerk: sir please stop

Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe

My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”

I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.

“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.

Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.

Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?

FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ

My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.

What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.

I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.

tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.

Teacher: Any questions

*raises hand*

T: NO DUMB ONES

“Can you see continent names from space”

T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud

What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?

F*** you and the horse you rode in on!

Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.

couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom

Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.

Boss: you’re late

Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court

Boss: I hate you

*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED

Boss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.

I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.

Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up

My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.

Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?

You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.

If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.

I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..

…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:

“This isn’t for me.”

Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.

[watching Tangled with my Daughter]

Daughter: dada

Me: yes?

Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?

Me: I mean-I do now.

normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”

The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”