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Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
me: i need to make a follow up appointment
receptionist: ok how about 10 next tuesday
me: no i only need one
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Had a dream I was in Japan with Draco Malfoy and he asked if I wanted a cookie and I said no and he was all, “my father will hear about this”
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat