Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?

The invention of the 2nd telephone

i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day

90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.

QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.

I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants

[black jack]

DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged

Walmart say they accept competitor’s coupons, but they rejected me when I tried to use one for a foot rub my wife gave me on my birthday

“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder

Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!

A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.

Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”

Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”

Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired

@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches

A Pringles Tube but for Donuts

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”

Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit

You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.

kidnapper: we’re not going back for medication
me: ok cool I’ll just tell my cholesterol that

I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on

“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”

“Sir this is a Wendy’s”

If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?

“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”

my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting

Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.

I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.

A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.

Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀

Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.

someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands

[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy

It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.

I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA