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[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom