There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
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*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.