Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”

Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.

Ladies, if he’s

– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber door

He’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.

my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.

Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”

If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.

What.

gender is a sprctrum

A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.

Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon

when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market

If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.

Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.

5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!

Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!

I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.

With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.

I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.

I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.

First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.

If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.

[listening to twenty one pilots]

ME: ok ok one at a time

The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.

if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners

How to get me to like you:

Be pajamas.

What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?

“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly

My libido: please have sex

My social anxiety: by yourself

Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.

Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.

6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!

The evidence to the contrary:

WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.

if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.

me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad

wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE

I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th

Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.

I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.