There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
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I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.