There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
You Might Also Like
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
What if the weather talks about us?
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Them: You should try keto
Me:
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
asking santa clause for nudes