There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.

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“How could you?”

“Oh, man!”

“I’m right here.”

-my dog watching me throw food in the trash


[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat


I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.


I like to eat a handful of paperclips right before I walk through a metal detector cuz I got all day, pal.


paid my rent so don’t ask me to go out because i’m in the crib getting my moneys worth.


I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.


[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE


Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.