Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!

me: well, where did you have it last?

4: outside

In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties

Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts

Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since

shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!

fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot

volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first

WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down

ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*

BEE *depressed* holy shit

I got called to HR again for setting up mousetraps around my gross coworker that takes their shoes off

If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”

I can’t stand fake people.

Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.

Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.

“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.

HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!

I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”

One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.

And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.

the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done

Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.

~Me to me

BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city

GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?

BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please

“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”

This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬

Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.

I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.

I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.

If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.

Hey girl, do you like bad boys?

[drinks milk from carton]

Or REALLY bad boys?

[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]

[Dracula before he got braces]

:F

I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.

Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.

Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.

I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.

I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.