Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls

Me: I think I’ll go for a run
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My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
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My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*

It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.

For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.

I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground

unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit

Signs you’re a full fledged adult:

• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking

• You pay attention to the weather now

• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on

• You have a favorite stove burner

• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore

*cocks gun*

Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”

If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.

I love you to the refrigerator and back

The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.

After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?

My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”

The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.

officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*

The worlds greatest neurosurgeon and Dr Derek Shepherd.

Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.

I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.

I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.

The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.

me: how is your pancake, bud?

3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft

Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful

I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.

You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.

Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room

Friend: You teach first grade

“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.

So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.

Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.

Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!

📸: @blessingmanifesting

I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.

GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—

DOLPHIN: What’s that one?

GOD: That’s an e.

DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.

GOD: But you—

DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.