There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
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The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Every BBC series about the universe.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
How is it still this week?
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?