Matthew McConaughay is for Matthew McConaughorses
THERES THIS COUPLE ON THE SUBWAY AND THE DUDE IS SO HEATED AND JUST SAID “HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A BABY PIGEON??? NO!! THATS BC THE GOVERMENT CREATED BIRD ROBOTS TO SPY ON US” AND SHE JUST WENT “KEVIN THERE ARE MIDDLE AGE PAINTINGS WITH PIGEONS” AND HE, AGAIN SAID “THE GOVERMENT”
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I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
My daughter just found the iron in the laundry room and asked “What is this? Some kind of olden days coffee pot?”
When do I get to go to heaven?
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’