The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
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Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes