There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
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In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Someone called me “unhinged,” and I have never felt more understood
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
The manager at the karaoke bar said I’m allowed to sing ‘SexyBack’ by Justin Timberlake but only if I remain perfectly still while doing so.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
“Dad, what’s a forklift?”
“Food, usually.”
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense