Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.

i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.

12653.

[first day working at the zoo]

Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-

Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys

Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send

Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.

Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.

Fun Fact: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.

[Independence Day – 2017]

ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—

WILL SMITH: Fine

Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.

Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-

*saxophone solo*

INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.

Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”

If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.

We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.

Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?

Me: No, I do.

the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?

Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.

casting director: can you play a Canadian?

me: eh?

casting director: [under breath] holy shit

me: i will have the chicken parmesan

waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir

me: no parm, no fowl

I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant

should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me

People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”

People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS

I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.

Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”

If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief

ME: my wife and i are having a baby!

FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?

ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…

*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.

*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.

*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.

I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”

So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.

When is it appropriate to double text someone?

I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding

if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?