Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit

Attempts to look badass by performing a call to summon the wolves

Gets tackled by 15 rats instead

[rubs lamp]

[genie appears]

genie: you have three—

me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!

genie: seconds

me: what

genie: two

me: until what

genie (pulling out a gun): one

Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.

I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.

I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.

my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home

The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.

[guy about to invent bowling]

let’s have some fun, but not too much

When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.

WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT

The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.

Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.

dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume

*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*

*posts photo of me washing dishes*

*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*

Mirror, mirror on the wall…

Mirror: I said no.

That’s amazing can I get a bud light please

My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.

As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.

Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.

Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes

If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs

My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.

[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye

In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.

In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.

Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now

I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.

Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.

An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.

These are my emotional support Pringles.