There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
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Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
I counted the yard signs in my neighborhood, and “ADT Home Security” is going to win in a landslide.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.