There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
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*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
People knock the internet but I’ve just discovered that Swindon Town is the only league football club in England or Scotland that doesn’t contain any letters that appear in the word mackerel.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
