Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?

BATMAN: I right things.

I: What do you write?

B: I Right People’s Wrongs.

I: Oh so you’re an editor?

The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.

Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.

I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”

I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.

Good luck with my paper jam, next person.

Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.

Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.

Teen: Huh?

Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.

Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!

When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.

Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.

I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.

20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys

30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car

40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids

[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”

School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever

Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels

Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.

I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven

Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues

Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs

My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??

If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.

Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.

Wow. It’s a good thing UPS hid this under the doormat for me so no one would steal it…

It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.

OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners

me: can i please have some more?

bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty

my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?

A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.

Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate

They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.