There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
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sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
i’m laughing very hard in real life
If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.