There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.

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We go on a date. I order mozzarella sticks. You watch as I put nine of them in my mouth at once. You think this bodes well for later. It doesn’t. I am lactose intolerant.


[Spelling Bee]

Your word is inception

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

[Spelling Bee]

Your word is inception


priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]


You know what they say about a man with average sized feet.

It’s really easy to find shoes for him.


Congratulations, FB friend looking forward to an anniversary dinner tonight with your “sweatie”


I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally things like this don’t bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.


Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear

Him: cuts ear off

Her: I just wanted u to listen to me

Him: nah, I’m good


[in hospital]
-dude what happened?
“I got hit by a bu-
[a bus taps on the window, does neck slice motion]
-I mean I fell down the stairs”


I don’t have daddy issues.
I’m British.
I have *father* issues.


Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug