There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
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Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Oh my god
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.