Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Women’s Magazines:

Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.

My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?

Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”

And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”

When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.

I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog

You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?

Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.

Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.

Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.

i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window

ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.

WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?

ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.

HER: Get out.

Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.

Thanks, Rihanna.

Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.

I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now

[someone breaks into the house]

Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings

My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY

I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.

so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell

Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.

Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime

Me flirting: So do you like bread

Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.

Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.

Waitress: Is this your grandma?

Me: My wife.

Waitress: …

Me: …

Waitress: I am SO sorry.

*walks away*

Grandma: Nice one. High five!

remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???

The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.

*decorating the tree*

6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.

My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”

Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks

Larry (a garden gnome):

Me: oh my god you’re so handsome

When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.

[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”

I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)