There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
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legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
A – absolute
D – disaster
U – usually
L – looking
T – tired
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Dumplings,
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?