There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.

His name was Tom.

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Please keep my son in your prayers, he walked out of the house with only 3% battery left on his kindle and judging by his reaction this is the end of the world. Prayers


“Steve, Steve, mate, I’ve gone blind, where are you? Seen any bread yet?”


“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.


McDonalds wants you to tell your family you love them because if you keep eating McDonalds it won’t be long before you’re dead.


Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?

Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!


I was feeling great about myself when I saw my number on the womens bathroom wall ‘for a good time’.

Then I recognized my hand writing.


*Ordering Chinese Food

Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby


I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.