@Carbosly

There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.

His name was Tom.

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@DaddyJew

Please keep my son in your prayers, he walked out of the house with only 3% battery left on his kindle and judging by his reaction this is the end of the world. Prayers

@SlenderSherbet

“Steve, Steve, mate, I’ve gone blind, where are you? Seen any bread yet?”

@sarcasticmommy4

“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.

@PyrBliss

McDonalds wants you to tell your family you love them because if you keep eating McDonalds it won’t be long before you’re dead.

@ArfMeasures

Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?

Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!

@CoopSoSarc

I was feeling great about myself when I saw my number on the womens bathroom wall ‘for a good time’.

Then I recognized my hand writing.

@Kryzazy

*Ordering Chinese Food

Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby

@meghaffer

I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.