@Carbosly

There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.

His name was Tom.

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@jordan_stratton

RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!

Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild

@vvolfsz

The nominees are

Leonardo DiCaprio
Leonardo DiCaprio
Leonardo DiCaprio

And the winner is

*opens envelope*

mad max fury road

@JoParkerBear

[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES

@daniel_shaw

I act like Pacman at parties.

I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.

@AristotlesNZ

Got caught again. Next time I’m stealin alcohol from the neighbor’s, I gotta remember not to do it hummin the Mission Impossible theme song.

@Mikecanrant

A huge gorgeous butterfly landed on my arm just now. Naturally I screamed and flailed my arms around frantically, but lovely really.

@AthenaMystique

20 year old me: *imagines awesome career, travelling the world, being in love*

32 year old me: *tweets*

@sonictyrant

Me: i should tell you i have a little nervous tick

Her: oh that’s okay

Me: Look- *pulling up sleeve* he’s so shy he’s hiding his face in my arm

@TheNYAMProject

Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?

Me: Um…

D: Seriously?

M: …

D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.

M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN