RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
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Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
The nominees are
And the winner is
mad max fury road
M: Do that thing I like
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Got caught again. Next time I’m stealin alcohol from the neighbor’s, I gotta remember not to do it hummin the Mission Impossible theme song.
A huge gorgeous butterfly landed on my arm just now. Naturally I screamed and flailed my arms around frantically, but lovely really.
20 year old me: *imagines awesome career, travelling the world, being in love*
32 year old me: *tweets*
Me: i should tell you i have a little nervous tick
Her: oh that’s okay
Me: Look- *pulling up sleeve* he’s so shy he’s hiding his face in my arm
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN