There’s this lady on IG who thinks she’s cracked the toddler code and smugly shares all of her hacks. She’s like, “Don’t tell your toddler to do something. Ask them if they’re big enough or strong enough to do it. They’re dying to prove they can.”
So I was like, “Ok, worth a try…”
Me: Hey, Jack, are you big and strong enough to go tell Kip it’s time for dinner?
3 yo: No, thanks.
🤦🏻♀️
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember
me: the question you just asked
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Hey i am sexy to you now
Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.
Relax. Luxuriate rebelliously.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
