There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
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I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Just found $27 in my washing machine, it’s a bad day to be an Applebees happy hour
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty