There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
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Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
what the
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
My wife: Our daughter played Godzilla with her friend at school today.
Me: Wow! What were you?
Toddler: Godzilla!
Me: And what was your friend?
Toddler: Scared!
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken