There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
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American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.