There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
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EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Breaking news:
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
If you need time alone, just announce that you need help cleaning the cats litter box.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?