Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: i love croissants

me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too

*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*

*burns neck with curling iron*

*stabs scalp with bobby pin*

*gets hairspray in eyes*

*wears hair in ponytail*

[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]

ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*

I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.

How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?

You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.

My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.

Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?

Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆

Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?

guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp

If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.

One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.

i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.

Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.

The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.

I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.

My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.

i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles

I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses

“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”

They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’

[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*

I hope this email finds you-

Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close

If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently

Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”

how to exercise your calf muscles

Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).