There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
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Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
what’s in a name?
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
😭😭😭😭
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”