There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
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I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed
inventing words: clothing
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
bias laundering edition
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
The most precious boy
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
